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#6. Gandhi Slept in a Pile of Naked Women (Including His Niece)
Gandhi is arguably the most famous spiritual leader in modern history and was responsible for the civil rights movement that eventually broke British imperial rule over India. He was known for peaceful acts of non-cooperation, including hunger strikes, boycotts, and a 241-mile march to the sea to gather salt, an act prohibited by a bizarrely specific edict of British law.
Gandhi was revered as a holy man until he was assassinated by a religious fanatic, which sadly is what tends to happen to people like him. History repaid Gandhi for decades of self-sacrifice in the name of his fellow man by making a movie about his life starring the bad guy from Species.
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Here he is, posing in front of a statue of himself.
But Behind Closed Doors …
Yeah, we know, buddy. You don’t even have to do the look.
He claimed that this was merely an extension of his vow, intended to test his pious restraint (a phrase a cynical person could take to mean “to inflate his boner tube”). According to the strict rules of Gandhi’s ashram, these women weren’t even allowed to sleep with their own husbands, yet they were all but required to participate in the Mahatma’s creepy old man slumber parties, which included not only sleeping nude with Gandhi, but also bathing with him and giving him stripteases, because the path to a temptation-free existence is apparently paved with nipple tassels.
That’s not even the shadiest part. Gandhi took his 18-year-old grandniece on a trip with him to Bengal and commanded her to share the nudity bunk with him for their entire stay, a move he rationalized by telling her that they might be killed at any moment by angry Muslims. That’s right — Gandhi told his barely legal niece to take off all of her clothes and climb into bed with her equally naked great uncle because the two of them might suddenly be murdered.
“Understand? Great, now go strip down and meet me in the hot tub.”
We’re not even saying he was secretly slipping these girls the G-bone every night — we have no knowledge of that. We’re saying that commanding everyone to sleep in a nude Gandhi pile, purely for the purpose of not engaging in sex, is somehow way freakier.
#5. Benjamin Franklin Liked to Bang Lots of Old Women
In addition to being one of the Founding Fathers of the United States of America, Benjamin Franklin was a prolific inventor and a tireless innovator, responsible for bifocal spectacles and odometers, the flexible urinary catheter, and a dominating presence in rap lyrics. He was an early adopter of environmental awareness, formed libraries and founded hospitals, organized the first fire service, and pushed for anti-slavery legislation before his death in 1790 of an acute overdose of righteous awesomeness.
But Behind Closed Doors …
Benjamin Franklin was an avid poonhound specializing in dusty cooz. That is to say, he prided himself on keeping the oldest and most busted mistresses he could find, for a list of reasons that prove he was just as much an innovator of morning-show-DJ chauvinism as anything else.
“Welcome back to Crazy Ben’s Morning Zoo! Who’s ready for LESBIAAAAAAANS?!”
In a 1745 letter to a younger acquaintance, Ben Franklin advised that elderly concubines were the best choice because they were so deflated by age that they would do anything to keep a man interested in them. Rickety old women, he continued, are also by nature more discreet, more experienced, and less likely to become pregnant, which would spare you from any of that ridiculous “children” bullshit. You’re less likely to feel bad about having sex with them, because throwing one into a raisin-skinned bone sack is much less sinful than deflowering some pretty young lady who made the foolish mistake of trusting you.
Granted, he had his more polite, old-timey way of putting it:
“… I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones … Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience … Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion … and lastly they are so grateful.”
And so on. Yeah, you don’t exactly have to read between the lines there.
“You would see, the biggest dick would be from me, and the card attached would say, ‘Thank you for meating, my friend.'”
He also makes the salient point that being vain in your selection of a mistress is pointless, because all women look the same from the waist down, which is the only part of them that matters anyway:
“Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one.”
“Goddammit, Jim, no means no!”
That’s right; all women look the same if you cover everything above the vagina “with a basket.” Thanks, Ben!
#4. Winston Churchill Liked to Be Naked
Sir Winston Churchill was Britain’s prime minister and first lord of the admiralty during World War II. He was a celebrated wit and a Nobel Prize winner, and is arguably one of the most famous national leaders in history. He also enjoyed a steady diet of alcohol and cigars, and walked around dressed like a Dickensian moneylender.
“You will have me paid back by Tuesday, or I shall confiscate your child, crutches and all.”
But Behind Closed Doors …
Churchill liked to parade around naked, ambushing unsuspecting staffers and foreign dignitaries alike with his gin-blossomed twig and berries.
Apparently, anyone who had an appointment with Churchill ran the risk of walking in on him striding around his office in his pasty undulating birthday suit, conducting the business of the nation with his grundlebrush ruffling gently in the breeze.
A rare photo of him (left) engaging in a friendly contest of “Shout Obscenities at Eisenhower’s Crotch.”
His naked shenanigans weren’t limited to just his personal staff, either — both Franklin D. Rooseveltand his son Elliot were exposed to mini-Winnie. FDR stumbled upon a nude Churchill, only to have the prime minister remark, “You see, Mr. President, I have nothing to hide.” Meanwhile, Elliot,responding to Churchill’s specific request to meet with him, opened the door to Churchill’s office to find him standing completely naked with a cigar in his mouth, dictating a letter to his male secretary.
When Sir Winston visited the White House later that same year, he made a habit of wearing absolutely nothing while in his room, seemingly oblivious to the near-constant stream of attendants that came in to serve him brandy while desperately trying to avoid eye contact.
“Take off the hat? Oh, man, I thought you’d never ask — wait, where are you going?”
#3. Lord Byron Collected Pubic Hair
Lord Byron was a leading figure of the Romanticism movement in Europe. He is best known for the epic Don Juan, which has become a universal term for an incorrigible lover of women, in addition to being constantly confused with a Johnny Depp movie. When Byron died at the age of 36, the entirety of Britain went into mourning. Also, he kept bears as pets, and that is just tits.
Plus, he always walked in slow motion in the wind, so he looked ultra sexy.
But Behind Closed Doors …
We’ve already discussed Byron’s tendency to have sex with absolutely everyone in the entire world, including his half-sister. Today, any self-respecting womanizer would be likely to keep pictures or stalk the Facebook accounts of his various conquests, but back then it was more common to keep a lock of hair, which was a practice Byron totally participated in. However, rather than trim a honeyed curl from the head of one of his beautiful ladies and tie it with a wistful ribbon, Byron preferred to chop a tangled clump of matted wirebrush from her bristling angry pubic mane and stuff it into an envelope like an electric bill. He did this because he was both eccentric (see “pet bears,” above) and a goddamned lunatic (see “half-sister sex,” above).
“What really matters is which half of her was my sister.”
Byron collected genital beard trimmings from every lover he could and kept them on file at his publishing house, where they remained for more than a hundred years after he died, because they evidently don’t clean out their filing cabinets often enough.
#2. A Bunch of Famous Authors Had Foot Fetishes
If you’re into movies at all, you’re probably already aware of Quentin Tarantino’s notorious foot fetish …
… but that’s just a Hollywood thing, right? People in the movie business dabble in wholesale weirdness. It’s not like you’d see the great masters of modern literature jerking off to pictures of painted toenails.
But Behind Closed Doors …
As it turns out, the list of famous people with foot fetishes reads like an all-star bowling team of great writers, including F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Hardy, Victor Hugo, Goethe, Pushkin, and Dostoevsky.
For instance, when he wasn’t busy writing Faust, Goethe managed to find a woman named Christiane von Vulpis who shared his interest and would send him pairs of her “danced-out shoes,” which is like mailing a guy your dirty underwear, only much more unsettling on a deeper level. Von Vulpis also nicknamed Goethe’s penis “Herr Schonfuss,” or “Mr. Nicefoot,” which we assume indicates that he put toenail polish on his dick and/or kept it bunched up in a wingtip loafer.
Which explains why he always had a look that said, “They know. I can feel them staring at me. Always staring.”
“I saw your foot, which I would have given an empire to kiss, that foot by which to have been trampled upon would have been to me happiness, I saw it encased in the horrible boot that transforms the limbs of a living being into a bloody mess.”
And in Eugene Onegin, Pushkin veers off-topic to deliver a rambling five-stanza ode to the zipper-chaffing boner rays emitted by women’s feet:
Diana’s breast or Flora’s cheek,
Are enchanting, friends, I find!
Yet Terpsichore’s foot I’d seek
Far more enchanting, to my mind.
Since, foretelling to my gaze
Pleasure in a thousand ways,
Its subtle beauty lights the fires
Of a swarm of sweet desires.
Such I adore, my dear Elvina,
Beneath the table’s damask gloss,
In the springtime on the moss,
In winter, resting on the fender,
Or on the ballroom’s gleaming floor,
Or the granite of the shore.
Pushkin literally says he would rather stare at a girl’s foot than her breasts or her face, which in addition to many other things is the precise definition of a foot fetish.
Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
The second they all start doing the moonwalk, it’s considered an orgy.
So what we’re saying is it would seem that something about being a tradesman of the written word makes people hungry for bunion sex. In fact, if you take a look at Quentin Tarantino’s filmography, you’ll see that he’s a more prolific writer than director, which could explain his trademark predilection as being the product of a predisposed urge that was awoken inside of him after spending so much time in close proximity to Uma Thurman’s walnut-crushing gorilla feet.
#1. Charlie Chaplin Held Orgies and Sexually Harassed Women With Pies
Charlie Chaplin is one of the most instantly recognizable film stars of all time. His face has become so iconic that some people don’t even realize he was a real person and not just a generic mascot for black-and-white movies sporting what would eventually become the most unfortunate mustache ever.
Chaplin was a huge star of the silent film era, making several films featuring the Little Tramp character (pictured above), as well as a handful of scathing political satires, including The Great Dictator, which ridiculed the Nazi regime, and Monsieur Verdoux, which at the time was loosely described as an anti-war film but is really just about a guy who marries rich women and murders them to inherit their fortunes. Chaplin’s left-wing viewpoints led to him being investigated by the FBI and subsequently exiled from the United States, back when Americans thought deporting people for their political views was in keeping with the spirit of freedom and liberty (luckily, nothing like that happens anymore).
“Fine, I’ll go. But I’m taking this strange child with me.”
But Behind Closed Doors …
Chaplin did his very best to have sex with every single woman he came into contact with who wasn’t already related to him. He organized orgies with fellow comic star Fatty Arbuckle, which is something you would assume people would only agree to at gunpoint, because in addition to looking like a portly cherub-faced gremlin, Arbuckle is most famous for being accused of literally raping a woman to death (though was never convicted).
Fatty, having a good chuckle, reading the court transcripts.
Also, Chaplin was allegedly the first person to implement the “casting couch” method of auditioning new young actresses. This being the silent film era, he would use caption cards to prompt the girls into various actions that would steadily become more and more suggestive until they were eventually just standing there with their clothes off. Chaplin would then do a little mime soft-shoe over to the couch and start groping them in a bizarrely exaggerated fashion, presumably in sepia tones with a jaunty piano accompaniment. He would then stand the still-naked girls against the wall and throw pies at them, bringing a delightfully hilarious end to what was probably the most terrifying experience of their entire lives.
“You look cold. Why don’t you strip down and I’ll make you a piecoat.”